Writing, Even When You Were Programmed to do Nothing

I get it. Writing, even just a few words of your book, can feel like a completely out-of-body experience; like you’re walking an unknown path.

You tell yourself, “No. I shouldn’t be doing this. Why am I even bothering?” You close the laptop down, shut the screen, and go about doing nothing for the rest of the day.

What gets writers in that kind of funk, though? Why is it such a hard slog to even fill half a page without self-sabotage kicking you up the butt?

It’s because you were hard-wired to not chase your dreams, and that likely comes from a place in your childhood that you’d rather forget.

Understanding your past

When it comes down to it, we can always find the root cause of anything we as humans suffer from. It might involve digging a little deeper than you’re comfortable with, but as a writer, it’s natural to want to get the full story.

And I get it. For years, I wanted my own full story. I wanted to know why I responded to certain life events or situations the way I did, and why I shut down on occasions that I couldn’t explain for years.

I wanted to understand why. Why I gave up so easily. Why I had all these beautiful ideas that I could manifest in one hand, and throw away in the other. Why I believed this voice inside my head that told me I was never going to be good enough.

Until I realised, actually, It’s because I heard those things.

Not qualified for that job.

Destined to float through life.

Above your station.

Having kids can be tricky sometimes, I get it. You always want to be honest with them, but are these kinds of phrases really honest, or are they said out of spite, jealousy, and pure dysregulation of the self?

I think you know where I’m going with this.

Understanding your past, and where the voice in your head that tells you you shouldn’t be a writer comes from, is crucial. If you want to jump over the same obstacles that familiarly hit your path and cause your rhythm to malfunction, you have to dig.

And you might not always like what you find, but that’s the entire point of then seeking to fix and heal those thoughts.

And it all starts with deserving.

You deserve it!

What a phrase, and one that could be taken either way, right?

This is especially true if you have experience or memories of a less-than-ideal childhood, where you were told this after something bad happened to you, rather than using the phrase as encouragement to chase the good.

You deserve it!

You deserve everything you get!

The older I’ve gotten, the more I have started to combine my memory of deserving with the reality that I am talented, and I let that slip away for far too many years.

In fact, I consciously ignored the fact that I am a good writer, and threw myself into caring for others professionally. I don’t regret being there for untold amounts of people in their times of need, but I do regret abandoning myself and becoming the very person I was told I would end up being - a floater.

My heart was in care in as many ways as it could be, without being the thing I was destined for. I was able to prioritise the needs of others before myself very easily, because that was the role I was used to playing.

The thought of putting myself first was ingrained in me as selfish, and so, I avoided my passion. Fast forward decades of my life, and I felt so out of touch with it that I had to dig deep and find out why.

It’s because I wasn't doing what I truly wanted.

Where it all changed

In true Elphaba style, something really did change within me. I was done trying to pretend I was okay, even when I knew I had all these wild dreams inside of me.

I wanted to be an author. I wanted to see my books on shelves. I wanted readers to resonate with the stories I had in my mind. I wanted to travel and reach people with my words. I wanted to become a name that meant something to somebody. I wanted a career in writing. I wanted to be trusted to give people out there books that nobody else had written before.

Of course, these are huge dreams, and ones that I am fully aware are hard to make come true. It takes dedication, consistency, and more importantly, the belief that I can do it.

I was not born with this belief.

And although that’s a hard truth, it was a truth I was tired of using as an excuse.

And so, I started a degree with the Open University in Creative Writing. This worked for me, because I could dip in and out, and do it on my own without being surrounded by people I’d compare myself too and eventually back away from, reverting back to care roles.

That course changed me. I wrote poetry, and I was good at it! I wrote short stories, and they were captivating. I knew I had something to give, and I didn’t want to waste time skirting around my dreams any more.

Reflecting on my life.

Did it happen overnight? No! I didn’t go from wanting to write, to earning money for it just like that, but I did work and work to ensure my foundation was strong. I wrote books and stories that I would cringe at now (hello, editing).

What got me from where I was, to where I am now?

Reflecting on my life thus far.

I had to.

I had to figure out why I had the thought process of, “I want it, but I just don’t want to do anything about it.”

I needed to understand why I thought, “If only I was this person, instead of who I am.”

Knowing that there was work involved in getting there helped me see that a journey like this wasn’t just a walk in the park. It had to coincide with healing the parts of me that were damaged in childhood.

As of now, no, my books aren’t on the shelves. They aren’t being sold by the thousands, and the only place I travel is to the supermarket and back, but from where I was a few years ago, I am so proud.

Programmed: the painful cost of being held back

If, like me, your childhood was spent trying to gain love from people who had no interest in providing you with any, you’ll know how difficult it was to try to be seen.

You will have wanted to be appreciated and loved, like any kid does. You will have felt confused that you’re unable to experience what that felt like, and come to the incorrect conclusion that you’re just not good enough.

And what happens then?

You are held back. You’re held back by the thoughts of those who didn’t care. You turn into the person they treated you like, without thinking that actually, you can be anybody you want to be.

The more you’re held back by their voice, the more normal refusing your dreams feels. The familiarity of walking away from what you really want feels comfortable, and all you know to do.

At what cost? One year? Five years? Ten? More?

It’s never too late to follow your dreams, and I would say to anybody who has an inner voice of negativity:

Understand where it came from.

Nobody is born with an inner critic.

If writing is your dream, then fight for it, with everything you have.